While everyone else walked around with thick, impenetrable skin, mine was thin and absorbent. Almost everything affected me deeply, from an unkind word to a neglected animal to a war raging in a far off country. It wasn't until I discovered that there were others like me 1. Elaine Aron , leading researcher of the innate trait of high sensitivity that I started to feel like a part of something larger than me and finally gave myself permission to stop beating myself up for being so emotionally affected.
If you're constantly told you're "too sensitive" and need to "toughen up," chances are you're among the 20 percent who are highly sensitive and resonate with the following traits:. You're easily overstimulated by loud noises and bright lights. You need a lot of quiet down time, preferably alone. Violent movies are excruciating to watch. You feel everything deeply and cry easily. You tend to overthink things and take longer to make decisions.
You're exhausted after being around people and need some alone time to recharge. You're often overwhelmed and anxious, prone to bouts of depression and sadness. You can sense the emotions of those around you. If you relate to any of the above and cringe every time you hear the words, "toughen up," here are three steps to turn the most common and dreaded advice you receive into something positive.
For the most part, non highly sensitive people have good intentions when dishing out those two words from hell. To them, allowing yourself to feel deeply is a weakness because it causes you to get hurt easily, so it's only logical that you toughen up, stop feeling deeply and you won't get hurt. Pain avoidance is not only logical, it's societally encouraged.
But for highly sensitive people, logic is often overruled by the heart. We are led by our hearts rather than our heads, so to "toughen up" from a heart standpoint means to deny the very thing that makes you YOU. Even if you maintain realistic expectations, and you're capable of keeping emotions in check, you still need some motivation from inside of you to keep on keepin' on. Whether you're tackling a problem, handling a difficult life event, or looking for a way to push yourself harder during your next workout, you need to stay motivated.
So where do you find motivation? The simple answer is that you have to ask yourself, "why? Asking yourself these types of questions helps identify the true reason you need or want to accomplish something.
Answers like "because I have to" don't help you. When something difficult comes your way in life, you don't always have a choice on whether you want to get through it or not, but there is always a better reason than "I have to. Think of something or someone that depends on you, and imagine you're a soldier with a sense of duty to yourself and others.
Your reasons to act might be something like:. When you know why you need to get through something it makes it easier to suck it up and carry on, but you also need the willpower to break through the barriers you might come across. Building up willpower takes time, but you can do so by developing simple, unrelated habits. For example, if you're bad at flossing, push yourself to floss when you shower. You'll forget some days, and other days you might lazily avoid it, but if you keep at it, eventually you'll maintain your simple habit without thinking about it.
Little boosts in willpower increase your confidence, and when you accomplish little things, you begin to see that you really do have control of yourself. You might think of willpower as a finite resource, but you have as much willpower as you believe you have. Challenge yourself and you'll find that motivation is easy to come by when you actually believe you're capable of overcoming things. We've talked a lot about failure and how it can be beneficial for you , but learning to take failure in stride is an important factor of being mentally strong.
Sean Richardson spoke about failure and its relation to mental toughness in a November, TEDx talk. In the talk, Richardson explains that the development of mental toughness can stem from looking at failure as a delay of gratification:. Being capable of delaying your own gratification—or saying no to easy, instant gratification—is really what being mentally tough is all about. Great things are never easy to do, and if you can make yourself work hard and wait patiently, you will understand what it means to have mental toughness.
You need to let go of mistakes quickly if things don't go your way, and understand the time and patience it takes to accomplish things. Mental toughness is as much about telling yourself no, as it is about telling yourself that you can persevere.
Some things aren't always worth your time, though. You are a capable person, and you can get through whatever comes your way, but you can't impact every single thing out there. You have to accept that you can only control so much. Jeff Haden at Inc. Mental strength is like muscle strength—no one has an unlimited supply. So why waste your power on things you can't control? For some people, it's politics.
For others, it's family. For others, it's global warming. Whatever it is, you care, and you want others to care. Do what you can do: Vote. How to toughen up. Marie Claire is supported by its audience. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn commission on some of the items you choose to buy.
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